A New Lens

Last year, the project took on a new life. I began to put more of myself into posts on the Instagram page. I saw a new picture of my life being painted. I saw myself as an ancestor-someone who would be remembered. It was hard to imagine that I had spent so much of my life trying not to be here.

Following the theme of 2023, things got weird-the other shoe dropped. I felt more lost than I had in years. I had fallen into the trap of imagining an upward trajectory. My family had found me, I rediscovered my artistic work, I felt more safe in the world. I took a risk in one of the riskiest areas of my life. Romantic love. I was hopeful in a way I had never been because for once I wasn’t terrified. I got a strong message that I would be safe this time. I was safe-just not in the way that I had hoped.

In the midst of the most pain I had experienced in years I found an anchor. I would come home from work and dig into the family archive. It was one thing that could take me away from what I was feeling. I felt unsafe in my own body-something I had not experienced in over a decade.

This was mine, my family, my work. I had something important to do and to remember. The message of safety was not a lie-with my ancestors I always had a place to go. Also, God did not play about me! I learned to let go on a new level. I was pleased to watch myself continue this work without pressure or requests. I did a lot of gold painting and studying photos. It didn’t always occur to me that I was working. This project is more like a way of life-a way to stay grounded in this troubling reality. It is traveling back and forth to meet my ancestors. I understand now that they are always traveling too.